Liz on Howard Stern -- REPOST from LPF

Long ago, a member named sav127 posted this to the LPF:

Subject: I wish Liz Phair would go on the Howard Stern Show

Howard is such a great interviewer, I know there are things he could get out of her that would blow our minds. Maybe I'm biased because I'm a big Howard Fan but I think it would be great if she went on there and I'm kind of surprised she never did in the 90's, maybe it was her stage fright?

posted 7th July 2006
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While I'm not much of a Howard Stern fan, it did seem like a provocative suggestion. So after thinking about if for a bit, I posted the following response:

STERN: (reading his notes) Okay, next we have... the blowjob queen.
PHAIR: (putting on headphones) What?
STERN: Hello, blowjob queen. Say hello.
PHAIR: Uh.. (laughs) Hello.
STERN: This is your lucky day. I'm the blowjob KING. Nice to finally meet you.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: I bet you didn't know that about me, that I'm the blowjob king.
PHAIR: Uh.. No.
STERN: It's good to be the king. We should hang out more.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: She doesn't believe me. She's thinking -- this guy's not the blowjob king.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: I have a confession to make. I'm not the blowjob king. I'm the blowjob court jester.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: But we can still hang out. But seriously. Liz Phair, everyone. Here she is. (claps)
(clapping)
STERN: Okay. I've got to ask you a very important question..
PHAIR: Sure.
STERN: Take your shirt off.
PHAIR: No. (laughs)
STERN: C'mon. Take it off.
PHAIR: No. (laughs) Is that the question?
STERN: You want me to phrase it like a question? Okay. Will you please take your shirt off?
PHAIR: No.
STERN: Please? With sprinkles on top? Please please me.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: You know who said that? Please please me?
PHAIR: That would be the Beatles.
STERN: Very good. They said you were smart. Now take your shirt off.
PHAIR: No.
STERN: She's not going for it. You're not wearing a bra, are you?
PHAIR: No comment.
STERN: She's taking the 5th. Great.. Okay. Next question. Ready?
PHAIR: Go for it.
STERN: Show us your underwear.
PHAIR: (laughs) Uh.. no.
STERN: You're not wearing any, are you? Forget I asked. (reading from notes) You got an underwear song, though.
PHAIR: Uh.. Yeah. (laughs)
STERN: She's got lots of dirty songs. Don't you?
PHAIR: I guess you could say that.
STERN: There's no guessing about it sweetie. Look at these titles. Holy.. (reading) You gotta dirty mouth.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: But being the blowjob queen, that makes sense. Ever think of doing mouthwash commercials?
PHAIR: (not laughing) No.
STERN: She didn't like that question. She's gonna say the F word, I think.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: Go ahead. Let me hear it. We're gonna BLEEP you. Hear that, everyone? Get ready. We're gonna BLEEP Liz Phair.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: Go ahead. Seriously. We're professionals here. You can't get anything past us. Watch much hockey?
PHAIR: No.
STERN: This is like hockey. You're trying to score. Ready?
PHAIR: Sure. (shrugs)
STERN: Great. Here we go. We're making radio history. It's Liz Phair versus common decency.
PHAIR: (deep breath) BLEEP BLEEEEEEP BLEEEEEEP BLEEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEP BLEEEEEP BLEEEP.
(clapping)
STERN: Wow. I'm so turned on. That felt great. Was it good for you too?
PHAIR: (laughs) Actually, I do feel a lot BLEEEEPING better, you BLEEPING BLEEP.
STERN: You're pretty good.
PHAIR: BLEEEP BLEEEP BLEEEP BLEEEEEEEEP BLEEP BLEEP.
STERN: You can stop now.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: I just BLEEPED Liz Phair. Wow. I think I need a cigarette.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: But seriously. We're gonna play the underwear song now.
PHAIR: Oh God.
(the underwear song plays)
STERN: That's my new favorite song.
PHAIR: (sighs) Oh, BLEEP me. (laughs)
STERN: Will you take your shirt off now?
PHAIR: No BLEEEPING way, BLEEEP. (laughs)
STERN: What a beautiful singing voice you have. (laughs) I love a girl with a dirty mouth. I think your the bleep-bleep queen too.
PHAIR: (laughs)
STERN: Will you come back?
PHAIR: Sure.
STERN: Thanks for coming on the show. And thanks for letting me bleep you.
PHAIR: (removing headphones)
STERN: The blowjob queen, everyone. Liz Phair.
(clapping)